Here’s the story.  Senior year one of my friends, not using real names of course, let's just call him GREGORY S, had his old giant Cadillac here.  It was after midnite and Greg and I and another guy, we'll call him MATT M, were leaving the dorm.  Matt wore these Dutch clogs with thick wood heels that were completely unseen in the US at that time.  We decided it would be hilarious to knock on the Dean of Men's dorm room and then take off.  Knocking wasn't enough so Matt began donkey-kicking the door.  It sounded like gunshots.  We ran to Greg's caddy and peeled out, screeching tires.  Not sure if Mr. Baranowski was awakened.  Going quickly towards the Field House, with tires smoking, Greg fishtailed and the left rear tire smashed the curb, jumped onto the island and knocked the light post down.  We exited onto Commerce Road and on to Greg's house.  The car was now galloping up and down because of the canted tire.  Baranowski must have woken up because we were pulled over by the cops but there were no criminal consequences. 

You guys have one thing that I will never have - and that is youth.  Youth and wisdom are inversely proportional.

You also have another thing that I will never have and it's that sloppy puff hairdo, that inverted bird's-nest thingy.  As a fierce libertarian, I say, wear it as you see fit but mark my words, at your 10-year reunion, you'll be laughing.  If you want to see a true Hairstyle Horror Show, go look at the 1980s class pictures.  Back then, hair covered the ears and was "feathered back” ala Farah Fawcett with the blow dryer to get the right swoosh. How any of those nightmare styles even came into existence is beyond me and i admit I fell victim. 

So why am I up here?  It’s to share all that I think is necessary for you to live a happy and productive life.  I can say that because I’m happy, healthy and productive, as of this moment at least.  Happiness and health.  These two words are the basis of life.  Without them you have nothing.  My happiness goal at 18 was a million dollars and a cool car.  Now, at the wise age of 57 - my goal is still a million dollars and a cool car.

There's a Latin phrase, MEMENTO MORI - remember you will die.  Steve Jobs could have built a hospital overnight and flown in every expert from around the planet but he couldn't be saved.  The death thing is a HUGE motivator.  The clock doesn’t stop.  The older you get, the years will completely blow by.  You can always make more money, more friends, buy more junk - but the one thing you can't make more of is time, so don't waste it.

Someday you will be on your deathbed praying to have your worst day back.  Until then, you have another day to go to the gym, listen to Surfing USA by the Beach Boys, sit on the shore of Orchard Lake and gaze at Apple Island on a rainy day or watch a Three Stooges episode, particularly the one where they have to take care of Bustoff the wrestler.  You, and only you, determine your happiness.  It’s not mindless pleasure or a drunken irrational self-indulgence.  You will not find happiness externally or from others, it is COMPLETELY internal and is that sense of satisfaction from achieving one’s goals.

Once you reach your mid-twenties, that's it, your personality and philosophy have been solidified, for better or worse.  You will fall somewhere between a complete mess and enlightenment, but it’s entirely up to you. To help you navigate life PROPERLY, you need a map, a philosophy and it should be made explicitly. Most people have implicit philosophies and moral systems.  They live life only as unquestioningly taught by mom, dad, church, friends, the tribe, some book or some ninja-drifter on the internet which will only lead to inconsistencies and errors and time wasted.  I will refer you to a graduation speech called Philosophy: Who Needs It? given by Ayn Rand at the US Military Academy.  There is also a great interview of her on Youtube with Mike Wallace.  It’s a must-watch as you try to figure life out. 

Once you’ve done your job and have that philosophy you will save countless time, not wandering aimlessly from opinion to opinion, knowing exactly what is right and wrong and proper and how to live

Many people go to college and get stupider and deeper in debt.  Don’t smirk at the plumber you called to fix the toilet, that guy in dirty clothes with the beat-up van because that dude is making 100k a year.  It’s simple - showup, shutup and do your job.

My dad had to quit school at 16 to work in the family bakery, only two years after arriving in the US.  He started his second career at age 50 by opening a restaurant.  The first few years were rough and slow.  He knew nothing about restaurants and drank Pepto-Bismol to calm the anxiety.  But with my mom, through sheer persistence and determination, without bank loans, these two immigrants created a success.  My friend asked him, How do you create a successful business?  My dad responded - Give me two stupid guys.  He didn’t need an MBA with a 180 IQ and a laptop.  He needed two guys to get their hands dirty and stay until the job was finished and then come back and do it over and over.  My mom is 77 and is working there at this very moment.

And I know you’re bummed out.  Love of your life, Elizabeth Boogerkoffer just broke up with you and it’s the end of the world and you’re gonna be a eunuch and live in a missile silo in Wyoming but don’t despair.  We’ve all been thru it.  Just give it time and you’ll meet Missy Bugeyes and get along just swell.   

Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed - and - no man is free who cannot command himself.  You can smoke all the dope you want and pretend the world is something it’s not, but the facts will always prevail. There's the way it is and the way you want it to be and they are not the same.  Wishing does not make it so.

You have two ears, two eyes and one mouth.  Use them proportionally.

Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.

Be open to everything and attached to nothing.  Take nothing for granted.  Challenge every assumption with logic. 

Use only reason as your guide and don't expect to use reason on a person who has not reasoned themselves into their beliefs.

Don’t let yourself be at the mercy of those who have none.

A problem ignored is a problem never solved.

Lay down you'll get walked on.

Correlation does not equal causation.

Don't worry about making friends, good friends make themselves.

Learn from your mistakes but better yet learn from others' mistakes.

Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times.

Do not save what is left after spending, but spend what is left after saving.

Nothing is full proof for a sufficiently talented fool.

Don't do it till you get it right - do it till you can't get it wrong.

All I want to know is where I’m going to die so I’ll never go there.

Don't do stupid things with stupid people at stupid times in stupid places.

Acta non verba - deeds not words.  You are your word.

The word no is very simple.  Learn how to say it.

Someday everyone might leave you - your kids, your spouse, your friends, the only one you will have left is the dude in the mirror so you better really, really like yourself.

DO sweat the details, the decimal in the wrong place at the hospital will kill you.

Take your time and read the fine print because that’s what will put you in court.

Don't rush anything and be wary when somebody rushes you.

2 is 1, one is none.  Cheap is expensive, buy once cry once

If you permit it you promote it.

Avoid conflict but know how to fight.  Stronger people live longer and are harder to kill.

Life is hard, it's even harder if you're stupid.

Read Sophies Choice by William Styron.  Read How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Start that Roth IRA asap, learn how to invest and not speculate.

Don't count on anyone, don't depend on anyone.

Don't ever be afraid to say “I don’t know.”

Be the best rocket surgeon you can be - behave as if your life depends on your job.